No More Defragmenting Myself

 In order to heal one part of yourself you must heal the WHOLE you not fragment it further by healing only this part of that part of the self. 

Sometimes we are our own worse enemy, and I surely have been this to myself. I get upset with people for wanting to put me in a box and categorize me but yet here I am doing the same damn thing to myself. 

Many of you who are familiar with my blog know I have been fighting mental illness, depression for years and it has had an impact on my weight. I keep thinking if I can just heal this part of my mind or body the rest will follow suit. It will in a way but I have to heal my complete body in all areas of my life and only allowing myself to be seen in parts isn't working. It sure ain't helping me. 

Everything takes Root in the mind before it goes any further. I didn't want to believe this or look to deeply at it because then it meant I had to face what I was doing to myself Willingly. 

A lot in my life is changing right now. Im working hard on uncovering the lies I told myself in order to get to this point in my health. I'm doing my best to stop playing the blame game and having the victim mentality. It's hard. While no one held a gun to my head and made me eat or drink this or that I have to admit a big part of it is addiction. Addiction to food. Turning to food for comfort. Turning to food to find peace. But that is never enough.

I've been searching all my life for answers to my spiritual journey and things that have happened that are unexplained. I have searched for that Peace. I had to go down several rabbit holes to begin to realize things and figure out what I need spiritually to help me walk this mundane path. 

I have a lot of Organized Religious trauma. I am still dealing with this but I also realize I need something that truly gives me a solid foundation to stand on. This process has been happening slowly. I will NEVER be a church goer. I will NEVER call myself a Christian again. But I am also no longer into the New Age Movement or Witchcraft. These paths were as unsatisfying as the organized religions. Every time you turned around and got close to what you thought was an answer to something you'd have to go right back down a damn rabbit hole looking for more. It was always a trail of bread crumbs and I've went that path for 10 years and never got any closer to anything I wanted or needed spiritually. 

I believe in the Great Spirit or Creator and Mother Mary, Jesus, Holy Spirit but not in how the church propaganda them. I have been developing my own personal relationship with them. Both Mother Mary and the Great Spirit have been leading me the way they want and teaching me, showing me things I never realized not only about myself, my journey, but their roles in my life. 

I unfollowed all the new age, witchcraft you tubers, instagram accounts. I got rid of the tarot and oracle cards, anything and everything that was connected to the old me, the old ways. For me to through out everything in that way including journals and even going through my Kindle library I did the same thing with books. 

I can't create a New me by hanging onto the Old me and things that I did in order to create a new path for myself. The same goes for my weight loss, turning my household around and so forth.

A Catch Up

 What have I been up to? 

Unfortunately at the moment I am dealing with illness, lost of voice. Don't know if its allergies or some type of bug going around but it sucks. 

I have managed to get in a few physical activities as well as being active around the house so not bad there. And now that it's starting to get nice I plan on starting back up my walking. 

My eating and drinking are still about the same. I am collecting some new recipes to try so once we've tried them I will share them here. 

I've been following a lot more weight loss accounts on Instagram. 

I've finished another diamond painting. 

We watched the new Willy Wonka movie and I was actually very surprised by it. I loved the new twist they put on it. Definitely worth watching if you haven't seen it already. 

I've decided to go on an inner journey and Heal all parts of myself that need it. So I'm spending time tending to not only my mental health but my emotional and spiritual health as well. 

While my health journey may only seem physical it is not. The problems that led to my weight gain and bad health are all rooted in the mind and spiritual aspects of myself. You have to cure the root cause not just the outer shell. 

I tried an A6 planner/Journal and absolutely fell in love with that size for both of those things. I have completely filled one, she's a chunky monkey and started on book 2 for 2024. 

Over Spring break we had our grandson for a week which we enjoyed and then over this weekend we had our other 2 granddaughters that spent some time visiting with us and their brother. 

I have no idea what is going on with my weight cause it's been flying up and down the scale this month. My blood sugar though seems to be remaining pretty steady so that is a plus. 

A Finish

 

Can you tell yet that I love this hobby?

Dreary Sky

 I love taking pictures. My phone isn't that great at it but it does have its moments.

Flowers

 

This is an old drawing of mine from a planner I had back in the day.

One Last Time Around

 

I don't know whether coming back to blog land this way is a good thing or not but here I go again.  The only thing this blog will center on is my journey back to being healthy. 

Right now as things sit I am per-diabetic classified as a Type 2. This year I've had a couple of health scares that hit home for me big time. For years I've dealt with chronic illness and chronic pain. I've had to have my gall bladder removed done a partial hysterectomy a few years back. And have been a yo-yo dieter since our last son was born in 1997. 

I have battled depression my entire life. I am a trauma survivor of mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse caused by people who were called family when I was growing up. I'm finding ways of healing from all of that and now it's time to start concentrating on healing the rest of my body as well. 

This battle of losing weight has been a slow one. I have managed to keep most of it off. Back in the day I weighed 249 lbs. I now weigh in at 233 lbs. I stopped drinking years ago. I also stopped smoking about 2-3 years ago. Putting down cigarettes though has never been an issue for me. But once I gave up this vice I became more of an emotional eater, that's how I dealt with shit that overwhelmed me, stressed me out. Caused me to have anxiety really bad. I still suffer from anxiety but not as bad anymore. 

Am I still an emotional eater? Yes at times very much so. And since December I have been on that track a lot more then I would like to admit. 

It has taken me a long time to get this point to actually give a damn about myself and my health. And it is something I struggle with a great deal on a daily basis. A lot of the reasons why nothing worked before in helping me to maintain losing was I was trying to put a bandied on a major wound. It just couldn't handle it. I was doing surface work and nothing more. You have to work inside the mind to fix the body on the outside. Plus not having a real support system near doesn't help. Someone who has never had to battle a weight issue doesn't understand the complexity of everything involved with it. 

And there are just things you don't understand until you've had to deal with your own issues over your health. When I was younger I very narrow minded, stupid, and could be very unfeeling to those around me who was facing their own issues that I honestly could never have understood until my own health started going down hill. To those people I am very sorry for my uncaring and rude behavior. So I guess in some ways you could say karma has come back around to bite me on the ass. I just wish I could have understood what I do now, life experience though sometimes comes later in life. 

By the end of this December I would love to be close to 165 lbs. That is my long term goal for right now.  If I could manage it, that would be a loss of 68 lbs and eventually I will reach that goal but I didn't get fat in a day and it's not coming off in a day. 

Right now I am working on weeding out sodas, junk food, adding more fruits and vegetables and getting in more physical activity. I'm hoping that this will also help lessen my insomnia. I am not a 9-5 person, never have been since the kids have been adults and I don't see that changing now. But I would like to get in the habit of sleeping 9 hrs at least a day. I am also reducing my sugar and going no sugar when I can. And intermittent fasting doesn't work for me. I am working on reducing my carbs. 

I just had my checkup with the doctor and wont be going back to have more labs done until almost a 6 month time frame. So I'm hoping that when that 6 months comes up I will be in a lot better health. I don't expect her to take me fully off the meds even if I am yet but to be able to reduce them would be a good start.  

I will give a beginning weigh in and end of the month weigh in, so 2 times a month is all. I'm trying hard to lessen thinking about my weight, losing it, eating 24/7. I want this to become a gradual change of life for life. This has consumed me for years and quite frankly I am done with this being a repeat record that won't quit running.

The Painted Woman Promo

 

Description: 

A dance cloaked in mystery. A rebellion fueled by the heart. A union that could shake the foundations of an empire.

As a painted woman, Sigrid’s life is a delicate balance between the sacred and the profane, a dance on the edge of societal norms and personal desires.

Her carefully woven world frays at the edges when a charismatic rebel leader steeped in chaos enters her life. His presence stirs more than the winds of change; it kindles a flame within Sigrid, awakening a passion that defies the strictures of her role.

As turmoil engulfs their land, an intricate game of power and rebellion unfolds. Sigrid finds herself thrust into the heart of the uprising, her fate intertwined with the rebellious stranger. Can love bloom in the shadows of war?

Sigrid's world is a dance of intrigue and unspoken yearnings, set against the backdrop of a society on the brink of upheaval. "The Painted Woman" is a resonant tale of hidden strength and revolutionary love, with world building and fantasy reminiscent of Jacqueline Carey's "Kushiel's Dart” and A.K. Mulford’s “The Five Crowns of Okrith.”

Trigger warnings: Racism, colonialism, violence

 Links

Amazon The Painted Woman 

B&N The painted Woman 

Google Books The Painted Woman

Kobo The Painted Woman 

Victoria Parra Amazon

Deep, Deep Donuts

 

Description: Series Curves Just Wanna Have Fun

He just wants a taste of her donut…

Tamara
Setting up a donut truck near a busy part of the lake is probably the best idea I've ever had. Warm cinnamon. Gooey jelly centers. Sweet glazed… Whatever tickles your fancy, I have it in my van, cooked fresh to tantalize your taste buds.

What I don't have is a permit.

So evading the local law has become my number one priority. Pity, because Officer Lee looks mighty adorable in his cycling shorts while doing his rounds of the lakefront. Not sure a fit guy like that would go for a curvy girl like me, but I love watching those toned thighs pedaling like mad in my rearview mirror while he's trying to catch me. It's my favorite part of every getaway. But I can't let myself get too distracted, because if Officer Lee ever catches me, I'll be in deep, deep donuts.

Wes
All I want is a donut!
Every single day, that fresh cooked, doughy, sweet scent keeps teasing me from afar. And every time I get close, the donut truck moves on. It's like I'm living in a little kid's nightmare where I'm forever rushing out with my money, but the snack truck leaves before I get to the window and I miss out.

And what's worse, the woman who runs the van is the sweetest, cutest girl I've ever seen. I want a bite of her as much as I want a bite of her donuts. If only I can ever manage to get close enough...

As with all Megan Wade books, this lakeside romance comes with her Sugar Promise. High heat, low drama, guaranteed.

Rating : 3 Stars

My Thoughts:  

This was a sweet insta love romance that was on the run from page one. I liked Tamara and Wes from the start. This was an enjoyable quick read that satisfied. 

Links

Amazon Megan Wade

Facebook Megan Wade

Lucky

 

Description: Book 1 of series Spartan Watchmen MC

“I don’t want to go to bed with you tonight, Little Rabbit.” Lucky tipped her chin up and leaned in close, until she felt his warm breath on her face.

“You don’t?” A thousand thoughts rushed through Trinity’s head, none of which were complimentary. Of course he doesn’t.

“No. I want to wake up beside you in the morning.”

And that was the difference between a boy and a man.

Collin, “Lucky” Casey earned his nickname from tiptoeing the line between life and death multiple times. Now, the retired Delta Force Operator is leading men once again. This time, his unit is a rowdy crew of motorcycle club members. The Spartan Watchmen have more than bikes in common; they are all former special forces operators and BDSM Dominants. When a rival club rides into town, threatening everything he holds dear, Collin knows he will either earn his nickname one more time or he will die defending it.

Trinity Rodrigo has all but given up on love. A fifty-seven-year-old divorcee, she’s combined her love for books, coffee and wine with her recently acquired MBA and opened Day & Night. Coffee shop by day, Wine Bar by night with the town’s only bookstore in the middle, she couldn’t predict the popularity of her new business venture. Overwhelmed by her adult responsibilities, Trinity escapes it all with her visits to The Citadel’s Playdates for those in the BDSM lifestyle that identify as Littles. She’s long since abandoned hope at finding a Daddy to call her own, she’s just happy to hang out with her friends.

Welcome back to the Rocky Mountains where many sexy military veterans have decided to call home. From the gates of Valhalla to the walls of the Spartan Watchmen Motorcycle Club compound, the citizens of Grand Ridge are well guarded. The battle-hardened warriors will stop at nothing to protect everything that belongs to them: including the women they love.

Rating: 5 Stars

My Thoughts:

RJ Gray is a favorite author of mine. Her story of Lucky and Trinity had me from the beginning. Trinity is a woman forged in fire and defiance, but she is also a woman trying to make her own stand and allow the little within her to shine. Lucky is a force to be reckoned with but has the heart of Daddy and the soul of a warrior who will do anything to protect those he calls friends and his own. This book has surprises that will sometimes leave you breathless but will embrace the romantic inside of you for sure.  

Italics is a direct quote from the book. 

Links

RJ Gray Amazon

RJ Gray Instagram

Dragon

 

My completed finish for #strokeyourdragonfire @dragonwingdiamonds . I'm glad its done but st the same time a bit disappointed in the finished piece. I don't mind dark colors but it doesn't really allow for the dragon to stand out.

#strokeyourdragonfire

Have Set This Aside

 

Book Description:

Newly single and self-confident Alice has recently decided that she doesn't need a man to feel complete, if it wasn't for the one activity where a man can come quite handy. On a girl's night out that was bound to be embarrassing and boring, since every girl of her clique is a mommy or about to become one, Alice makes a lot of interesting acquaintances and thanks to one of them she receives a mysterious invite to the "Dark Alley". Too curious to heed her best friend's warnings, Alice heads out to end up having, hot, sizzling sex with a faceless stranger.

This book does deal with dark adult themes. 

Rating: Have set it aside for now

My Thoughts: 

I love the cover. This is a new author to me. I love her new spin on a story line and plot. It most definitely has action. The characters are strong individuals that make an impact on you but right now for me I need something with a bit of heart and substance to it, not just great sex. At some point I hope to go back and finish this story but right now it just isn't my cup of tea. That is all PERSONAL Preference nothing to do with author or the way it is written. . 

Links

D.S. Wrights authors Amazon

D. S. Wrights Instagram 

D. S. Wrights Website 

D. S. Wright Facebook

Phoenix

It is completed. I have finished my diamond painting for the Mermaidsandmagic2024 event.

 

Kerby Rosanes Finish

 

I had a hard time trying to decide on a background color so my son Shane helped with it. And it worked well.

Orca

 This will go hung in the house.