Right now as things sit I am per-diabetic classified as a Type 2. This year I've had a couple of health scares that hit home for me big time. For years I've dealt with chronic illness and chronic pain. I've had to have my gall bladder removed done a partial hysterectomy a few years back. And have been a yo-yo dieter since our last son was born in 1997.
I have battled depression my entire life. I am a trauma survivor of mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse caused by people who were called family when I was growing up. I'm finding ways of healing from all of that and now it's time to start concentrating on healing the rest of my body as well.
This battle of losing weight has been a slow one. I have managed to keep most of it off. Back in the day I weighed 249 lbs. I now weigh in at 233 lbs. I stopped drinking years ago. I also stopped smoking about 2-3 years ago. Putting down cigarettes though has never been an issue for me. But once I gave up this vice I became more of an emotional eater, that's how I dealt with shit that overwhelmed me, stressed me out. Caused me to have anxiety really bad. I still suffer from anxiety but not as bad anymore.
Am I still an emotional eater? Yes at times very much so. And since December I have been on that track a lot more then I would like to admit.
It has taken me a long time to get this point to actually give a damn about myself and my health. And it is something I struggle with a great deal on a daily basis. A lot of the reasons why nothing worked before in helping me to maintain losing was I was trying to put a bandied on a major wound. It just couldn't handle it. I was doing surface work and nothing more. You have to work inside the mind to fix the body on the outside. Plus not having a real support system near doesn't help. Someone who has never had to battle a weight issue doesn't understand the complexity of everything involved with it.
And there are just things you don't understand until you've had to deal with your own issues over your health. When I was younger I very narrow minded, stupid, and could be very unfeeling to those around me who was facing their own issues that I honestly could never have understood until my own health started going down hill. To those people I am very sorry for my uncaring and rude behavior. So I guess in some ways you could say karma has come back around to bite me on the ass. I just wish I could have understood what I do now, life experience though sometimes comes later in life.
By the end of this December I would love to be close to 165 lbs. That is my long term goal for right now. If I could manage it, that would be a loss of 68 lbs and eventually I will reach that goal but I didn't get fat in a day and it's not coming off in a day.
Right now I am working on weeding out sodas, junk food, adding more fruits and vegetables and getting in more physical activity. I'm hoping that this will also help lessen my insomnia. I am not a 9-5 person, never have been since the kids have been adults and I don't see that changing now. But I would like to get in the habit of sleeping 9 hrs at least a day. I am also reducing my sugar and going no sugar when I can. And intermittent fasting doesn't work for me. I am working on reducing my carbs.
I just had my checkup with the doctor and wont be going back to have more labs done until almost a 6 month time frame. So I'm hoping that when that 6 months comes up I will be in a lot better health. I don't expect her to take me fully off the meds even if I am yet but to be able to reduce them would be a good start.
I will give a beginning weigh in and end of the month weigh in, so 2 times a month is all. I'm trying hard to lessen thinking about my weight, losing it, eating 24/7. I want this to become a gradual change of life for life. This has consumed me for years and quite frankly I am done with this being a repeat record that won't quit running.
No comments:
Post a Comment